I wrecked my knee.

As the title of this blog states, I wrecked my knee yesterday. Honest to God, this was a homework related accident. I was sitting on my livingroom floor doing my homework because that happened to be where my computer (the big one which I cannot move because its power cord is messed and it also does not have a battery because a certain someone spilled OJ on it...and my netbook is far too difficult to perform any kind of work-related tasks on) was sitting. Aside from the fact that after 3 hours of homework my back felt like jello, I went to stand to go to the washroom and my left knee had completely given out. Yay!

So, being that it is a Sunday and nothing was open in the evening, I had to drive to Shoppers in Oromocto to get a knee brace because I thought I was going to have to amputate my leg without one.

Aside from the fact that it was excruciatingly painful, I was more fearful that I would go back to where I was in my first year of university. I almost completely lost the ability to walk because I have some sort of messed up syndrome called "patellofemoral pain syndrome", which is essentially the wearing and fraying of the cartilege behind my kneecap.

Moral: Either a) don't do homework or b) don't stand after extended periods of homeworking.

Brightside: it feels a little bit better today. I am no longer seriously considering outfitting my apartment with a series of bars, rails, and aides.

Laura: 1 Left Knee: .5

May 7th

Yesterday I remembered it is my ex's dogs birthday.


It's a dog.


Yep.


I don't even know if she's still alive.


Wherever you are, Happy 14th Birthday Annie.

Thursdays.

Even though I finished my internship last week, I've still be at Leo Hayes almost everyday. My grade 10's are filming a documentary and I really don't see how Derek can do it by himself. You know, when I started I really didn't like it. The kids were like monkeys. Like anything, you get used to things after a while...and I miss that little part of chaos once it's gone.

Why is it that we love and hate chaos all at once? I find myself stressed and overworked and vow that the minute I get some free time, I will lay back and do absolutely nothing. When I do get the free time, this relaxation lasts for about 6 minutes on average before I find myself trying to stress myself out with something. I need to be doing something. This is a huge downfall... I am a workaholic. I feel worthless when I am not serving a purpose. I feel guilty when I relax, but resentful when I don't relax. How does one find a happy medium?

If there is one thing i've learned about this past year, it is to make time for those who care about you first and foremost. Work does not love you back. Overworking does not make you more lovable. Taking that time to sit and have a conversation with a friend or a partner is crucial. If you lose the ability to talk, you won't find it for a long time. I stopped talking last year and when I needed the help, the words never came.

Something i'd like to do is learn to relax. I'd like to be able to go out and do something without feeling anxious or guilty...that I should be doing something else. I'm young and I am a victim of my own mind. I cage myself because I don't want to disappoint other people.

In all fairness, the guilt often comes from the fact that people act snide towards me at work when I ask for a little time off. Last year when I was going through a ridiculously difficult break-up, they didn't want to allow me the time off to get my life together. Even though I had been a valued employee for 3 years and had never taken much vacation, my managers were ticked.

Where was this going? No idea.

Oh! Yes. Okay.

Moral: stop being such a work-a-holic. Take the time to relax and zone out once in a while.


I'm in class. Foccccuuuuuusssssss.

Wow.

I just read everything I wrote...

wow.

I was in a really bad place.

Since discovering that I have chosen the right path career-wise, I feel 90% better. Everything else needs to stay as a small memory, because it's painful.

This has been the roughest year of my life. Too much change, too much illness, and too much pain.

I just can't dwell on it.

For the purpose of not spiralling myself into a sad hole, I will talk about what is positive.

I have found a few strengths in my life. I am resilient. I work hard. I multitask.

I am applying for a few teaching positions here in Fredericton. Because this city has become so small since last year, I have been working with a company in Scotland and may be saying farewell to Fredericton all together. Maybe it's time to cut this last thread and just leave well enough alone.

I can't do this right now. Almost a year later, and I still can't do it. Sorry.

You and Me.

Okay.

So the past few days I have had to ignore him because I am super afraid that all these feelings I have are going to completely consume me. I push him away because my mind can't bear to draw someone in closer and then push them away again.


The weird thing is, I have a lot of people in my life and i always say i wish them nothing but happiness in their lives. I have said this numerous times about exes and other people I care about, but honestly couldnt care less either way. With him, there is something different. I genuinely and whole heartedly want him to be happy. It feels amazing and I can barely describe accurately how I feel, even re-reading this I dont believe ive gotten the point across. I just...ugh. Genuinely care so much about him that I want nothing, absolutely nothing more than his happiness.... I just...none of the words come out right. Whether it is with me or not, for whatever reason, I just genuinely want to see him happy. His smile absolutely melts me. He is more gorgeous than he knows... just absolutely fucking gorgeous.

I wish things were easier, and I know they will be...someday. If this is meant to be and if we're soulmates/kindred spirits, I know this will be.

I can't reach inside and I can't reach out. I need to know where and when this ends. I let us get too far into this hole that now we are almost nothing... I pushed you and you pushed me.

Maybe this is a sign. I'm angry that you've abandoned me and maybe you not being there for me in the right way is a sign that you love me at my best, but not at my worst...

I'm going to the doctor soon. I can't let this slip away because of something that could have been fixed had I had the gall to fucking ask for help.


I sat on the patio today and lost myself completely. He came home and found me on the patio and I wanted to tell him I didn't remember sitting there for 3 hours but then he'd think I was completely nuts.

Which is worse?

Since no one else will, it will be okay Laura.

Easy.

I know somehow this has to be worth it...that this is some sort of test that I was made to overcome. That we were made to overcome...

You walk away so easily sometimes and I am left to wonder whether it is because I'm easy to walk away from or whether you're just so frustrated with how this has gone on that you just need to leave. You have put up with a lot and I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate it...

I just know how hard this is/has been and i stop and wonder whether or we deserve the arguments and fights, and whether or not they would end if I could just pretend that I'm okay. I know it's so easy to fix all this but I don't want to put a band-aid over it... I want to be okay. I don't want to pretend I'm okay...

You see, I'm used to things unanticipated. We've been together for over four years now...and it scares me to think that one second everything is fine, but when I need you and when i'm reaching out for you, you turn on me. I'm used to having the whole package and then being completely terrified when what I signed up for isn't what I get...i don't want us to be that way. I want to believe this isn't how you are, and it's foolish of me to think this way because we have been together for years... but I feel like you've turned your back on me.

God i'm scared but for some reason, i feel this is making me stronger. There is a reason I'm doing this to myself and a reason that this is happening to me...and I believe it can only get better. That said, I cannot think of one logical reason why you have been put through this too. Fuck. That's what rips me apart.

I feel like i need to disappear from the world for a while because I just can't stand to put you through this any longer... I just mean in this situation right now, maybe i just need a fresh outlook to figure out how everything is going to be. But on the other hand, maybe I dont. Maybe I need to take this head-on and just tell you how depressed I am. I don't trust that you will take me seriously because for the past few months, you assume there is someone else. I must suffer for every other girl who has cheated on you... yet i'm the only one who has been faithful and loved you with all I had...


I can't ask him to understand how difficult this moment in my life is for me, and in comparison to how relatively easy I have had it in other areas, but I truly hope he can at least appreciate where I am coming from and how hard it has been to realize I have not been who I truly am. I keep thinking...god if he only knew how much this is not me. Why can I write this here but not crawl into bed and spill this to him? When it happens, he will be blown off his feet. But when will it fucking happen? Get off your ass. Figure this shit out. Grow the fuck up Laura...

I just wanted that perfect fairytale and we're letting it slip away...


I just told you I love you... and you answered with "I don't believe you"


Well, I love you James.

Looking forward and Up.

Everything I think about these days screams to me to just say what I need to say. Get it off my chest. Finally quit carrying around this huge boulder on my shoulders. To tell you how sick I am inside... but i fear you won't believe me. I guess I'm just afraid that he'll think i'm lying, so I almost just think..."whats the use?" I DO care to get my point across, but I am just so exhausted from defending myself and trying to prove myself to him. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I wonder if he could help me anyways...he's too blinded by thinking/assuming that I am cheating on him. This scares me because who else will help if he won't?

I love you. You're caring, beautiful, amazing. You have been my best friend for all these years and losing you is my biggest fear. You mean so much to me that it's hard not to fall for you over and over and over. I wish I could tell you this in person. I wish I could even put a pen to paper and leave this note on your pillow tonight James...


I wish i loved myself. If i loved myself right now, this wouldn't be happening. The worst feeling is that my own best friend and boyfriend doesn't believe me. You don't trust me. You have been my biggest strength and my best listener, but for some reason these past few months...you don't HEAR me. The feeling of helplessness is so strong that i find myself searching for air... which you think are sighs of boredom.

My God. I adore you. I completely adore you. I just wish that you would step outside yourself for one minute and see that I am truly aching inside.